please send yours for inclusion

click for rude jokes

click on thumbnails to expand

THE SHOEBOX 
 
 A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. 
 They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. 
 They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little 
 Old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had 
 cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about. 
 
 
 
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but 
 One day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said 
 she would not recover. 

 In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took 
 down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. 
 She agreed that it was time that he should know what was 
 In the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls 
 And a stack of money totalling $95,000. 

 He asked her about the contents. 

'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me 
 The secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that 
 If I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.' 

 The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two 
 Precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two 
 Times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with 
 Happiness. 

'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? 
 Where did it come from?' 

 'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'

English Signs from Around the World

In a Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

Doctor’s office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Dry cleaners, Bangkok:
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the main road to Mombassa, leaving Nairobi:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.

In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET
COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE
OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE
TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX
IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

 Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

 A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

(Gezz Goss)

(Colin Stockton)

(Ian Hovey)

SMART-ARSE ANSWERS 2008
The last one is a worthy winner.

  6th  Place
It  was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:
'Would you  like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row. 
'What are my choices?' the man asked.
'Yes or no,' she  replied.

      5th  Place

A  flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check  tickets.

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without blinking an eyelid  she said,

'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your  stub.'

4th  Place

A  lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's but she  couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a passing  assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'

The assistant replied, '  I'm afraid not, they're dead.'

3rd  Place

The policeman got out of  his car and approached the boy racer he stopped for speeding.

'I've  been waiting for you all day,' the bobby said.

The kid replied, 'Yes,  well I got here as fast as I could.'

When the policeman finally stopped  laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

2nd  Place

A  lorry driver was driving along on a country road.

A sign came up that  read ' Low Bridge Ahead.'

Before he realised it, the bridge was  directly ahead and he got stuck under it.

Cars are backed up for  miles.

Finally, a police car comes up.

The policeman got out of  his car and walked to the lorry's cab

And said to the  driver,

'Got stuck, eh?'

The lorry driver said, 'No, I was  delivering this bridge and ran out of diesel!'

SMART ARSED ANSWER OF THE YEAR  2007

A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her  pupils of tomorrow's final exam.

'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate  any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.

I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, 
no other excuses whatsoever!'

A smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 

'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'

The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,

'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand'.

(John Kerr)

(Terry Hayward)

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
"Mom", he asked, "Are these my brains?"

"Not yet," she replied.

(Rich Hopkins)

(Steve Foster)

Riddles

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.


Q What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.


Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!


Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!

Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.


Q.What is the difference between 'ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'?
A. About three inches.

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.


Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.


Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.


Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A . They don't have balls to scratch!

(Bob)

A guy is sitting in the bar in departures at a busy airport. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table 
next to him. He decides that because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant. So he decides 
to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly. He leans across 
to her and says the Delta Airlines motto 'We love to fly and it shows'. The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back 
and thinks up another line. He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto 'Winning the hearts of the world'. 
Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face. Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the 
Malaysian Airlines motto 'Going beyond expectations'. The woman looks at him sternly and says 'What the f ** k 
do you want?' 'Ah!' he says, sitting back with a smile on his face. 'Ryanair'

(Steve Foster)

52 things you would love to say out loud at work

(Steve Foster)

Swansea gets a posh new department store.

(Bob Wilson)

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to
make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day the wife and I went into town
and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. 
When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him, and I said, "Come on man how about giving a
senior citizen a break?" He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a 'dumb ass'.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So Mary called him a 'shit head'. He finished the second ticket,
then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20  
minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Just then our bus arrived. 
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

(Yvonne McDonald)

Handle every stressful situation like a dog.
If you can't eat it or play with it,
Just piss on it and walk away

(Gezz Goss)

A guy in his early fifties retired from the RAF and took a job in a bank.
After he had been working there a few weeks, his colleagues and his boss were very pleased with 
his progress and the quality of his work.  The only problem was his time-keeping.  Some days he was 
10 minutes late, other days 5 minutes late, some days 15 minutes late.
His boss called him in and said "we are all very pleased with you and impressed with your commitment 
and the quality of what you do, but we do have a problem with you always being late for work."
The guy said, "I know, I'm sorry, I've always had that problem, I was even late most days in the RAF."
"So what did they say to you in the RAF when you arrived late?"

"They just said 'Good morning Air-Vice Marshal.'"

(Steve Foster)

Nine words women use...  1.) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are  right and you need to shut up.  2.) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more  minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.  3.) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something,  and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing  usually end in fine.  4.) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!  5.) Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement  often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an  idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing  with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)  6.) That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman  can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard  before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.  7.) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say  you're welcome.  8.) Whatever : Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU!  9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning  this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but  is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's  wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3.Then you RUN! (PP)

And you thought only the Chinese were poor in English 

Dry cleaners, Bangkok: 
"DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS." 

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: 
"YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, 
AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY." 

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: 
"IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, 
MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE." 

 Top Four Adult Jokes

4th Place:
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. 
They are both quite startled. 
The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." 
She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

3rd Place:
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. 
The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." 
The husband, rejected, turns over. 
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.  "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Runner Up:
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess 
to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.  His wife suggested that 
he should see a sex therapist to  talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion 
on his own.  One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. 
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. 
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't" she exclaimed.
"Yes, I did." he replied.
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh... she got fired too."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Winner:
A couple had been married for 50 years.  They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says,"Just think, 
fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." 
"I know," the old man said.  "We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago."
'Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times."
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replie d Gramps. "One 's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."

(Dick Bothamley)

Two garbage bags

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic rubbish bags with her, one in each hand.
There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a £20 note falls out onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her.... "Ma'am, there are £20 notes falling out of that bag ...
"Darn!" says the little old lady ..."I'd better go back and see if I can still find them.
Thanks for the warning!"
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium.
Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!"
"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his 
little thingie through the bushes, I say, "£20 or off it comes"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay."

3 women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide 
to amaze their men....that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stiletto's and mask over their eyes
After a few days they meet again.....
The engaged girlfriend: "the other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me with the leather bodice, 
12 cms stilettos and mask. He saw me he said: "you are the woman of my life, I love you"...then we made love all night long
The mistress: Ah! me too, the other night I met my lover in the office and I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, 
mask over my eyes and a raincoat, when I opened the raincoat... he did not say anything.....but we had wild sex all night
The married one: "the other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night, I got myself ready: leather bodice, 
super stilettos and mask over my eyes....my husband comes back from work, opens the door and says:

"Hi Batman, what's for dinner?"

(Ian Hovey)

Paddy the Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best
friends, Seamus and Sean (also Irishmen), were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
Seamus said 'Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over'.
So the mortician rolled him over.
Seamus looked and said 'Nope, it ain't Paddy'.
The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.
Sean took a look at him and said, 'Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over'.
The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, 'No, it ain't Paddy'.
The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'
Sean said, 'Well, Paddy had two arseholes.'
'What, he had two arseholes???' said the mortician.
'Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy
with them two arseholes....'

**************************
Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint.
Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: 'It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro,
Quattro means four'
'Quattro is just the name of the automobile,' the Englishman retorts disbelievingly. 'Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons.''
You cannot pull that one on me,' replies Paddy 'Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law.
'The Englishmen replies angrily, 'You idiot! Call your supervisor over I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!'
'Sorry,' responds Paddy, 'Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno.'

******************************************
Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to show off his new flat.
After the grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge.
'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the guests asked 
'Why, that's my Speaking Clock' the man replied.
'How does it work?'
'I'll show you', the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow with an unpadded hammer.
Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed, 'For, *****sake, you *****, it's twenty to two in the ****ing morning!!'

**********************
A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going to get married.
He says,
'Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 2 other female friends in addition to my fiancé, and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry'.
The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them downon the couch and they chat for a while.
He then says, 'Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry.'
She immediately replies, 'The red-head in the middle.'
'That's amazing, Ma. You're right, how did you know?'
'I don't like her.'

**************************
Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, 'You are charged with beating your wife to death with a spanner.'
A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, 'You b*stard!'
The judge continued, 'You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a spanner.'
Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, 'You ****ing b*stard!!!'
The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, 'Paddy, I can understand your anger and
frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt! Now what is the problem?'
Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, 'For fifteen years I lived next door to that b*stard. And every time I asked to
borrow a *****ing spanner, he said he didn't have one!'

**************************
A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer.
After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer.
This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, 'Why do you keep looking in your pocket?'
The man replies, 'I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I'll go home.'

(Steve Foster)

HOW THE FIGHT STARTED

I rear-ended a car this morning.
So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car. . . and you know how 
you just-get-sooo-stressed and life-stuff seems to get funny?
Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it . . . he was a DWARF!
He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
So, I look down at him and say, 'Well, which one are you then?'
. . . and that's when the fight started . .

(Steve Foster)

POSSIBLY THE BEST BLONDE  JOKE EVER

  A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant.
> The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that, they don't sell rectum 
deodorant and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde  assures the pharmacist that she has been buying 
the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.
'I'm sorry,' says the pharmacist, 'We don't have  any.'
'But, I always buy it here,' says the blonde .

'Do you have the container that it came in?' asks the pharmacist.
'Yes,' said the blonde , 'I'll go home and get it.'
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks 
at it and says to her,
'This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant.'
Annoyed, the blonde  snatches the container
back and reads out loud from the container ...

(Are you ready for this one!?)

 

 

 

 

'TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM.

(Gezz Goss)

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE

Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another petrol station toilet because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress £2000. Tux rental-£100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is £4.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache..
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura,
Kate and Sarah.If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer
to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £32.50.
None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they
want change back.When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving
cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S.The average number of
items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins,
answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING AKA, children.
A woman knows all about her children.
She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite
foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

(Ian Hovey)

It took me all weekend, but I finally got my tree up!

(Ian Hovey)

Subject: Little Johnny strikes again!

A grade school teacher asked her students to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm,
and we all saw his pet sheep, it was fascinating.'

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
fascinate, not fascinating' .

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.

' The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had
been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

Little Johnny said, 'My Aunt Margaret has a sweater with ten buttons,
but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried.

(Steve Foster)

Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and
the run on Northern Rock BS in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan.

In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded,
Sumo Bank has gone belly up,
Bonsai Bank has announced plans to cut some of its branches.

Yesterday,
it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will
likely go for a song, while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended
after they nose-dived.

Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report
that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared
that staff may get a raw deal.

(Nick Rogers)

Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or boyfriend along shopping and he hates going.
This letter was recently sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in Oxford :

Dear Mrs. Murray
While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics. Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:

1. June 15:
Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when the customers weren't looking

2. July 2:
Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7:
Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle

4. July 19:
Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "Code 3" in housewares... and watched what happened.

5. August 14:
Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area

6. September 15:
Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove.

7. September 23:
When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

8. October 4:
Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose and ate it.

9. November 10:
While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were.

10. December 3:
Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

11. December 6:
In the kitchenware aisle, practised the "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

12. December 18:
Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

13. December 21:
When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed "NO! NO! It's those voices again."

And last, but not least:

14. December 23:
Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly,
"Help, there's no toilet paper in here"

NEVER,
NEVER,
NEVER,
NEVER,
NEVER,
NEVER,
NEVER,
NEVER,
NEVER,
NEVER,
NEVER,
NEVER,
NEVER,
NEVER,
NEVER,
NEVER,
EVER...

FART ... in a wet suit!

(Ian Hovey)

 HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)

Who are these people?

Question:

Are there too many foreigners in this country now?

Answer:

20%: YES

10%: NO

70%: معهد الأمن العالمي بواشنط

(Ian Hovey)

New Job

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks
him, "Have you been in the service?"

Yes," he says. "I was in the armed forces for three years." The interviewer
says, "That will give you extra points toward employment" and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes, 100%. A mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."

The interviewer tells the guy, "OK" I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 AM . till 4:00 PM . 
You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 AM

The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM , then why do you want me to 
come in at 10:00 AM "? "This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours 
we stand around scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

(Keith Godden)

CATHOLIC PARROTS

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him,
"Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots,
but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
They say,
"Hi, we're hookers!
Do you want to have some fun?"
That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed,
then he thought for a moment.
"You know," he said,
"I may have a solution to your problem.
I have two male talking parrots,
which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house,
and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.
My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship,
and your parrots are sure to stop saying . . .
that phrase . . in no time."
Thank you," the woman responded,
"this may very well be the solution."
The next day,
she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.
As he ushered her in,
she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.
Impressed,
she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes,
the female parrots cried out in unison:
Hi, we're hookers!
Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence.
Shocked,
one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed,
"Put the beads away, Frank.
Our prayers have been answered!"

(Gezz Goss)

Frying pan

A young man called Peter invited his mother for dinner, during the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice 
how handsome Peter's flatmate, Simon, was.
She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more 
between Peter and his flatmate than met the eye.
Reading his mum's thoughts, Peter volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, 
Simon & I are just flatmates".
About a week later, Simon came to Peter saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to 
find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it do you?" "Well I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her just
to be sure" said Peter. So he sat down and wrote:
DEAR MOTHER,

I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID" TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE, I'M NOT
SAYING THAT YOU "DID NOT" TAKE THE FRYING PAN BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT
HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.
LOVE PETER

Several days later, Peter received an email from his mother which read:

DEAR SON,
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO" SLEEP WITH SIMON, AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU
"DO NOT" SLEEP WITH SIMON, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF HE WAS SLEEPING IN
HIS OWN BED, HE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE F**KING FRYING PAN BY NOW.
LOVE MUM

Lesson of the day,

NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER!!!!

(Steve Foster)

The Good Groom

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.  
There was only one little thing bothering me... It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly 
bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate.
Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. 
She whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that
she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door, opened it and headed straight 
towards my car. Before I got to the door I noticed, off to the side, was my entire future family.
They were all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. 
We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is:*

*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
scroll down
*
*
*
*
*

Always keep your condoms in your car.

WHO'S YO DADDY

The following are all replies that Dallas TX. women have written on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing "father's
details".  Or put it another way....Who's Yo Daddy?  They are genuine excerpts from the forms (truth be told?).

(Number 11 takes 1st prize and #3 is runner up.  #5 gives new meaning To people from Virginia)

1.  Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Munson.  I am unsure as to the identity of 
the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

2.  I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind.  
I can >provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party If this helps.

3.  I don't know the name of the father of my little girl.  She was conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where 
I had unprotected sex With a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I
fainted.  If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me His phone number?  Thanks

4.  I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter.  He drives A BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto
 in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

5.  I have never had sex with a man.  I am still a Virginian  I am Awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's
conception was Ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again.

6.  I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that To do so would blow his cover and that would 
have cataclysmic implications for the economy.  I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country.  Please advise.

7.  I do not know who the father of my child was as all blacks look the same to me.

8.  Peter Smith is the father of child A.  If you do catch up with him, Can you ask him what he did with my 
AC/DC CD's?  Child B who was also borned at the same time...well I don't have a clue.

9.  From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10.  So much about that night is a blur.  The only thing that I Remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program 
about eggs earlier in the evening.
If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party At 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.

11.  I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all,like when you eat a can of beans you cant be sure 
which one made you fart.

(Ian Hovey)

A crusty old biker, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

CHEESEBURGER: 1.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH: 2.50

HAND-JOB: 10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive 
women serving drinks to a meager looking group of farmers.
"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?"
"I was wondering," whispers the biker, "are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?"
"Yes," she purrs, "I am."
The old biker replies, "Well wash your hands really good, I want a cheeseburger.

(Gezz Goss)

Terry Hayward

She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You
are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow.
"What is your last request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse,
alone." The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the
Lone Ranger's tent.
Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears,
looks him square in the eye and says,
Listen very carefully ... for ... the ... last ... time, I said...

"BRING POSSE"

(Steve Foster

Johnny fancied a girl in his office.....but she belonged to someone else...
One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said:
I'll give you a £100 for sex, but the girl said NO.
Johnny said: "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend so she called him and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says ask him for £200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down.
So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.
Finally after 45mins the boyfriend calls and asks what happened...
She said "the b*****d used coins"!

Management lesson:
Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed. 

(Steve Farmery)

Subject: The bracelet

A lady walks into a high class jewellery shop. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet 
and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and 
prays that a sales person doesn’t pop up right now.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.
Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism,
the salesman greets the lady with, “Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?”
Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little ‘accident’, 
she asks, “Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?”
He answers, “Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you’re going to shit yourself when I tell you the price.”

(Steve Foster)

How True...

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Get upset if you are too busy to talk to them for a week.
SERVICE FRIENDS: Are glad to see you after many years; and will happily 
carry on the same conversation you were having last time you met.
 
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Never ask for food.
SERVICE FRIENDS: Are the reason you have no food.
 
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr and Mrs.
SERVICE FRIENDS: Call your parents Mum and Dad.
 
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Bail you out of jail and then tell you what you did was wrong.
SERVICE FRIENDS: Would be sitting next to you saying, 'Mate . . . we stuffed up . . . but wasn' t that fun!'
 
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.
SERVICE FRIENDS: Cry with you.
 
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Borrow your stuff for a few days then give it back.
SERVICE FRIENDS: Keep your stuff so long they forget it is yours.
 
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Know a few things about you
SERVICE FRIENDS: Could write a book with a shed full of direct quotes from you.
 
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing.
SERVICE FRIENDS: Will kick the backsides of whole crowds that left you behind.
 
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Would knock on your door.
SERVICE FRIENDS: Walk right in and say, 'I'm home, do you want a beer!'
 
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Share a few experiences.
SERVICE FRIENDS: Share a lifetime of experiences no civilian could ever dream of.
 
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will take your drink away when they think you've had enough.
SERVICE FRIENDS: Will look at you stumbling all over the place and say, 'You had better drink the rest of that, 
you know we never waste it. Then they carry you home and put you safely to bed.
 
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will talk crap to the person who talks crap about you.
SERVICE FRIENDS: Will knock the crap out of people who talk crap about you.
 
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Are for a while.
SERVICE FRIENDS: Are for life.
 
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will ignore this.
SERVICE FRIENDS: Will forward this to their military mates. (Done)

(Steve Farmery)

How bad do you want a beer?

(Bob Wilson)

(You MUST read them aloud... or perhaps not a good idea!)

English                                      Chinese

That's not right                                                    Sum Ting Wong
Are you harboring a fugitive?                           Hu Yu Hai Ding
See me ASAP                                                        Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man                                                           Dum Fuk
Small Horse                                                          Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach?                                   Wai Yu So Tan
I bumped into a coffee table                            Ai Bang Mai Fuk n Ni
I think you need a face lift                                Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here                                         Wai So Dim
I thought you were on a diet                            Wai Yu Mun Ching
This is a tow away zone                                     No Pah King
Our meeting is scheduled for next week       Wai Yu Kum Nao
Staying out of sight                                            Lei Ying Lo
He's cleaning his automobile                            Wa Shing Ka
Your body odor is offensive                              Yu Stin Ki Pu
Great                                                                        Fa Kin Su Pa

(Bob)

IRISH MEDICAL DICTIONARY.
 
  ARTERY..............The study of paintings.
  BACTERIA...........Back door to cafeteria.
 BARIUM..............What doctors do when patients die.
  BENIGN...............What you be, after you be eight.
  CAESAREAN SECTION..A neighbourhood of Rome.
 CATSCAN..............Searching for kitty.
  CAUTERIZE..........Made eye contact with her.
 COLIC...................A sheep dog.
 COMA...................A punctuation mark.
  DILATE..................To live long.
 FESTER...................Quicker than someone else.
  FIBULA...................A small lie.
  IMPOTENT...............Distinguished, well known.
  LABOUR PAIN...........Getting hurt at work.
MEDICAL STAFF.........A Doctor's cane.
 MORBID....................A higher offer.
NITRATES.................Cheaper than day rates.
  NODE.......................I knew it!
  OUTPATIENT..............A person who has fainted.
 PELVIS......................Second cousin to Elvis.
 POST OPERATIVE........A letter carrier.
 RECOVERY ROOM.......Place to do upholstery.
 RECTUM.....................Nearly killed him.
 SECRETION.................Hiding something.
SEIZURE....................Roman Emperor.
 TABLET.......................A small table.
 TERMINAL ILLNESS.......Getting sick at airport.
  TUMOUR......................One plus one more.
 URINE..........................Opposite of your out.
 2xCONDOMS................To be sure, to be sure,

(Steve Foster)

(I think Dave Squires is trying to tell us something !)
Life can be cruel!

Graduation:                20  yr. reunion:                Before  Marriage              After Marriage
                                                   

(Dave Squires)

An old man was sitting in a café when a teenager came in, got a drink and sat at the next table. The teenager had spiked hair, 
dyed in all different colors: green, red, yellow, and blue. The old man stared at him.

The teenager looked across and saw the old man staring at him, but said nothing.

However, every time he looked across, the old man was staring at him.

Eventually, the teenager had had enough and asked, sarcastically, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

The old man, without batting an eye, responded, "Got really drunk once and shagged a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

(Jock Kerr)

(Bob)

After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then the pilots review the gripe sheets right before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some of the actual maintenance complaints submitted by the Qantas' pilots (as marked with a P) and the solutions recorded 
(as marked with an S) by the maintenance engineers.

By the way, it is relevant to note that Qantas is the only major airline in the world that has never, ever, had an accident!

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in the cockpit.
S: Something tightened in the cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of a leak on the right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume reset to a more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: The number 3 engine is missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after a brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one saved for last......

P: Noise coming from under the instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget.

(Chris Lowe)

Dwarf with a lisp

A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm "I'd like to buy a horth" he says to the owner of the farm. 
"What sort of horse?" said the owner.
"A female horth" the dwarf replies. So the owner shows him a mare.
"Nithe horth" says the dwarf, "Can I thee her eyeth?" 
So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes.
"Nithe eyeth", says the dwarf, "Can I thee her teeth?" 
Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth.
"Nithe teeth.... can I see her eerth?" the dwarf says. 
By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again, picks up the dwarf to show him the horses ears.
"Nithe earth" he says 'Now...can I see her twot?" 
With this the owner picks the dwarf up by the scruff of his neck and shoves his head
deep inside the horses vagina. He holds him there for a couple of seconds before
pulling him out and putting him down.
The dwarf shakes his head and says 
"Perhaps I should weefwaze that...Can I see her wun awound?

(Gezz Goss)

what Georgie saw !!!!!!!!!!

Little Georgie watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods.
Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.
Little Georgie found this so exciting that he could not contain Himself as he ran home and 
started to tell his mother, "Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into 
the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he
helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, Then Aunt Jane........"
At this point Mummy cut him off and said, "Georgie, this is such an interesting story, suppose 
you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you 
tell it tonight." At the > >dinner table, Mummy asked little Georgie to tell his story. Georgie
started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. 
I went back to look and he was Giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.
Then Aunt Jane helped daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started Doing the same thing 
that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in The Army

(Gezz Goss)

13 Things PMS Stands For:

1 Pass My Shotgun 
2 Psychotic Mood Shift
3 Perpetual Munching Spree
4 Puffy Mid-Section
5 People Make me Sick
6 Provide Me with Sweets
7 Pardon My Sobbing
8 Pimples May Surface
9 Pass My Sweat pants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
and my favourite one.
13. Potential Murder Suspect

And remember: Money talks ..., but Chocolate SINGS!!!

(Yvonne)

pointless family photo

(Dave Squires)

7 kinds of Sex

Recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of Sex:
The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you
  both have sex until you are blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your
  partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex is called:Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner
  for a long time your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.
The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you
  pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you." 
The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex. This is the kind of sex which means
  you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)
The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court
 and screws you in front of everyone. And last, but not least:
  The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to live on!!!!

(Steve Foster)

  A priest hooks a huge fish. Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa,  look at the size of that f*cker!"
"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.>
Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out,
"Sorry father,but that's what this fish is called - it's a F*cker fish"
Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and takes the fish back to church.
"Look at this huge f*cker" says the priest, spotting the bishop.
"Language, please! this is God's house," replies the bishop.
"No, no - that's what this fish is called, " says the priest.
"Oh," says the bishop, scratching his chin "I could clean that f*cker and we could have it for dinner".
So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the mother  superior.
"Could you cook this f*cker for dinner tonight?" he asks her.
"My, what language!" she exclaims, clearly shocked.
"No, sister that's what the fish is called - a f*cker, " says the  bishop.
Satisfied with the explanation, the Mother Superior says, "wonderful,  I'll cook that f*cker tonight,
The Pope is coming for dinner!"
The fish tastes just great and The Pope asks where they got it.
"Well, I caught the f*cker!" says the priest.
"And I cleaned the f*cker!" says the bishop.
"And I cooked the f*cker!" says the Mother Superior.
The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely glaze, leans back on  his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table,
Pours himself a whiskey and says " You know what?, You c*nts are alright."

(Dick Bothamley)

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he
served us  food and drinks.>
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to
announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.
"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo,
so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."
To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet- cheeks, in my country I'm
called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch."

(Rich Hopkins)

Woman in a Coma

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her
room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area
and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her.
They tried it again and sure enough there was definite movement. They went
to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this
sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. 
The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.
The nurses run back into the room. "What happened?" they cried.
The husband said, "I'm not sure - I think maybe she choked

(Dick Bothamley)

Budweiser Frogs

(Bob Wilson)

Bad Boy

A little kid sits on Santa's lap, and Santa says, "What would you like for Christmas?"
The kid says, "A fucking swingset."
Santa says, "You'll have to ask nicer than that if you want Santa to bring you presents. Let's try again. 
What else would you like?"
The kid says, "A fucking sandbox for the side yard."
Santa says, "That's no way to talk to Santa. One more time. What else would you like for Christmas?"
The boy thinks for a minute, and then he says, "I want a fucking trampoline in the front yard."
Santa lifts the boy off his lap and goes to talk to the kid's parents. He tells them what the kid said, and then says, "I know how to stop it. Don't get him anything for Christmas except dog doo. Put a pile of dog doo in the backyard where he wants the swingset, put another pile in the side yard where he wants the sandbox, and another pile in the front yard where he wants the trampoline. That should make him change his tune."
Christmas morning the kid goes downstairs to open his presents, and there aren't any. He runs out the back door, looks around, and comes back in. He runs out the side door, looks around, and comes back in. He runs out the front door, looks around, and comes back in, shaking his head.
His father says, "What's wrong, son?"
The kid says, "Santa brought me a fucking dog, but I can't find him."

(Rae Stevens)

(DW Jones)