Here you will find 'funnies/quips/quizzes' etc - in fact anything not defined as 'Jokes'
When you need to trust the pilot !
Can you imagine working for a company that
has a little more than 600 employees and has the following statistics?
29 have been accused of spouse abuse
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have been accused of writing bad cheques
117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
3 have done time for assault
71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8 have been arrested for shoplifting
21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
84 have been arrested for drink driving in the last year
Which organization is this?
It's the 635 members of the House of Commons, the same
group that cranks
out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.
Sometimes it better to walk !!
If GE, Rolls-Royce, and Pratt & Whitney got their way....
THE PAOMNNEHAL PWEOR OF THE HMUAN MNID
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbours to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.
As the farmer's neighbours
continued to shovel dirt on top of the
animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon,
everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of
the well and happily trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt
on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to
getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of
our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up!
Shake it off and take a step up.
Remember the five simple
rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.
2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.
3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less
Enough of that crap . . .
The donkey later came back,
and bit the shit out of the farmer who had
tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer
eventually died in agony from septic shock.
MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:
When you do something wrong, and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
1+18+19+5+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 131%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hardwork &
Knowledge count for a lot and a good Attitude certainly helps, it is truly
Bullshit and Arsekissing that will propel you to the top!
These are real extracts from appraisals (character
Notes for civvies reading this
Appraisals consist of various text boxes against which comments are made by
ROs followed by a promotion recommendation
Rec =Recommended HRec = Highly Recommended
There are 3 Reporting Officers (1st 2nd and 3rd) in an individuals reporting chain
1st RO on Sgt Eng Tech EL
"However he maintains a good level of physical fitness by frequently walking his hyperactive dog".
3rd RO on Jnr Tech MUSN
"Jnr Tech ****** quietly gets on with his work without blowing his own trumpet".
3rd RO on Chf Tech Eng Tech EL
"Chf Tech ****** does not suffer fools gladly - he should show more tact
when the fools are at a higher rank".
1st RO on SAC ASOP
"A family illness recently caused her Falklands detachment to be cancelled
and to her credit she never allowed her personal problems to interfere with
her service commitments".
2nd RO on FS A Eng Tech
"He helps to maintain his high fitness level through badminton, swimming and
chasing tradesmen around the hanger".
1st RO on SAC/A/Cpl RAFP
"Whilst not a particularly good NCO I believe he has the potential to have
made an excellent officer".
2nd RO on Cpl Pers Admin
"His confident attitude and open humour made him a popular individual who
had a refreshing attitude to life and an open adoration for Cilla Black,
which I could never understand".
2nd RO on SAC ASOP
"SAC ****** has day dreamed his blissful way through another year of
disembodied euphoria. Unruffled, easy going, un-resentful, unhurried, he
drifts his quiet way through days and nights of shifts leaving barely a ripple".
SUMMING UP AN INDIVIDUAL IN ONE SENTENCE1st RO on SAC MTD
"He has given the me impression of being an experienced mountaineer who has
settled for climbing Ben Nevis when he could quite easily conquer Everest".
1st RO on SAC Pers Admin
"Under pressure SAC ****** tends to take the bull by the throat rather than by the horns".
2nd RO on SAC Chef
"His laziness and low standards of work have alienated the majority of his
work mates to such an extent that being on shift with him is seen as a punishment".
1st RO on Cpl Eng Tech EL
"Cpl ****** is as frustrating as a firework that refuses to ignite".
1st RO on SAC Std
"He is the most evenly balanced Steward on the Station, he has a chip on both shoulders".
2nd RO on Sgt Eng Tech AV
"A keen angler who would rather catch fish than try to out drink them".
1st RO on SAC Pers Admin
"SAC ****** is a cheerful young man with a pleasant smile and co-operative
manner. At this point his good qualities cease".
1st RO on Sgt RAFP
"His contribution to the Sqn is minimal, on his good days he makes up the
numbers. He has been sick for some time and we are investigating the
possibility of having him posted 'non-effective', which is also an accurate
description of him when he is here".
1st RO on SAC Std
"In my opinion the best contribution he can make to the Royal Air Force is to leave".
1st RO on SAC Supplr
"Frankly SAC ****** is useless, there is no other way to say it".
1st RO on Sgt Eng Tech EL
"He swims and cycles to work to keep himself fit" (at Brize Norton).
1st RO on SAC FFTR
"To conclude, SAC ****** has decided to terminate his life and career within
the RAF for employment with the police force".
On which the 3rd RO comments:
"Contrary to the 1st RO's belief, SAC ****** wishes to terminate his RAF career, not his life".
1st RO on Cpl Med Admin
"He is single, but is in a stable relationship with a 3year old daughter. He
therefore lives off station in his own house".
1st RO on Cpl Pers Admin
"She has provided much needed stiffening to the section during the tours of
two unremarkable SNCOs".
1st RO on Cpl Eng Tech AV
"Cpl ****** has been involved in arranging for the care of his father who is
Hopefully he will mature into an engineer, but at this time the best
description of him is a well spoken twit.
He has made no secret of his ambition to one day becoming commissioned, with
a preference for the admin branch.
Her typing, whilst energetic, will keep the makers of Snopake happy for a long time.
SAC ****** is still immature and, at times, a scruffy airman, however, it is
hoped that his recent marriage will offer him some sense of responsibility,
and someone to do the ironing.
1st RO - The club he runs recently raised money for a local disabled person
to have an electric chair.
2ND RO - I think I should point out that the electric chair mentioned by the
assessor has wheels and is used to help the owner to get about. As far as I
am aware Cpl ****** has no homicidal tendencies.
In his established post he only has to supervise the work of one Group Captain.
As a character Chf Tech ****** is rather rotund in appearance and is apt to
produce rude noises from either end of his frame, at regular intervals.
..... and particularly irksome is his use of "10-4" in place of the more acceptable "yes, sir".
He leaves the service this year which should allow his supervisors, various
members of the admin staff and the investigation branch to return to normal duties.
Jnr Tech ****** is an active member of the station Tai Kwon Do club, and can
often be seen leaping around the station in his pyjamas.
He is employed as a VDU operator. He spends most of his time operating a VDU.
He must, as a matter of urgency, learn to control his tendency, when off
duty, to attack RAF policemen.
...... his character is about as dynamic as a feather pillow.
****** has developed the knack of ensuring that most personnel on the
squadron who have any dealings with him for more than 15 mins at a time,
would happily use him for target practice on the rifle range.
His woeful _expression gives him the air of a cocker spaniel who has just received bad news.
In a year that has had her re-married, posted and given a totally new piece
of equipment to work with, SACW ****** has come out of it reasonably well.
A beer drinking, swashbuckling, full member of the Air Force, the kind you
would select when the going gets tough ****** has been very useful in
teaching our new recruits the ins and outs of service life.
This was confirmed with the originator, whose further comment was: She's a real man".
Unfortunately Cpl ****** is less reliable than his dog.
SAC ****** has been what a haemorrhoid is to a human from the start of the
course. He also found himself pitchforked into the Officers Mess where he
was up against some very cute cookies.
3rd RO. Cpl ****** biggest problem would seem to be his inability to ignore
a pretty female face! While I admire his sentiments, he is frequently
distracted from his primary task and this is reflected in his numerical
assessments and promotion recommendation. If he does not respond to
counselling, we may have to resort to bromide in the tea!
3rd RO. Generally very sensible in his outlook, he has been involved in a
few bizarre incidents, mainly associated with beer and bicycles, which have
resulted in him sustaining some personal injuries. I'm glad to report that
such incidents are becoming far less frequent, mainly because he now shows a
more reasoned and consistent judgement, but also because people are less
prepared to lend him their bicycles.
1st RO. SAC ****** has the uncanny knack of pulling the wool over his
superiors' eyes by giving them the opinion he knows what is going on around him.
2nd RO. Amended promotion. Rec. From (Rec) to 5 (HRec).
3rd RO. ... and established himself, in the eyes of his superiors, as the
most competent aerial erector in the flight.
1st RO. His ability to empty a crewroom, merely by being there, usually
after a meal of curry or beans, could be a disadvantage in a staff post.
Sgt ****** remains on good terms with his first wife, has acrimonious
dealings with his second and appears happily married to his third. The
numerous offspring further complicate matters.
He can show a kindness and tact when necessary but can equally turn a
transgressing airman into a pillar of salt (or jelly) at 100 yards. He has
frightened me, as a casual observer.
SAC ****** is tall, blond and handsome; every mother's dream of an ideal
son-in-law. The trouble is that he doesn't differentiate between mothers and daughters.
2nd RO. He does his best but needs more practice at being "beastly to the troops".
1st RO. He is a keen supporter of York City but manages to stay cheerful
during the football season.
1st RO. It is difficult to comment about ******'s supervisory abilities as
he has only one subordinate on the unit, whom he dislikes working with and avoids socially.
******'s appetite for adventure and physical exertion fully justifies his nickname "Rambo".
I can see little hope in Cpl... progressing any further, short of a major
outbreak of hostilities, culminating in a high mortality rate.
WO ****** is a 9 to 4, as opposed to an 8 to 5 man, and the RAF will not
miss him when he leaves - he has already retired.
F6442 NARRATIVE COMMENTS
These are actual comments made by Reporting Officers and were provided by
the "Reading Cell" at RAF PMC. Although the Cell is now defunct, rumour has
it that it is about to be reintroduced.
Cpl Spplr (2nd RO)
"He is not unintelligent, just somewhat stupid".
Cpl L Tech AD (3rd RO)
"In the short time I have known him, he has had a reputation for never being
at work, being either on standdown or sport, or time off in lieu".
SAC Gnr (3rd RO)
"SAC ****** went through an unfortunate phase of rolling tanks over by being
a bit too aggressive whilst driving them. Fortunately, he survived these
experiences with only his pride dented - I wish I could say the same for the tanks".
Sgt Gnr (3rd RO)
"Sgt ****** will enjoy his forthcoming tour in Belize where there are lots
of donkeys for him to talk the hind legs off".
SAC F'Man (2nd RO)
It would appear that SAC ****** wants to go from chrysalis to butterfly
without the creepy-crawly bits in between".
SAC P&A Clk (2nd RO)
"Recently he was drinking late with a fellow clerk when he decided that his
friend had had too much to drink - so he had him arrested by the RAF Police.
I feel a more appropriate course of action would have been to take his friend home".
Jnr Tech A Tech A (1st RO)
"Jnr Tech ****** is, as far as the RAF is concerned, an 'if only' case. If
only he was interested - if only he was motivated - if only he was involved.
However, he does his job, albeit with more chasing by his supervisors than
is normal. He will complete his service, leave with a 'beer call' and people
will think "oh yes, he was a good fellow".
Cpl (W) P&A Clk (2nd RO)
"When she is on her own her supervisory capabilities are more in evidence".
Cpl A Tech P (2nd RO)
"He is a tall, well-built Welshman who looks as if he could play rugby for
his country; if not, at least he could chop down the trees used for the goal posts.
SACW AATC (1st RO)
"SACW ****** must be to the emancipation of womanhood what concrete is to flying".
Cpl P&A Clk (1st/2nd RO)
1st RO - "He accepts that he has no career prospects in the RAF and his sole
ambition when he leaves the Service is to become a long-distance lorry
driver; a lonely job for which he is well-suited. Alternatively, he should
consider the quiet contemplative life of a Trappist Monk".
2nd RO - "I am pleased to see a slight improvement in Cpl ******'s overall
performance since last year".
Cpl Supplr (1st RO)
"Cpl ******'s attitude appears to be one of setting himself a daily minimum
workload target, then regularly failing to achieve it".
Sgt Pers Admin (2nd RO)
"He can at best be likened to a hoop - when being driven by a stick performs
reasonably well, but when the stick is taken away, wobbles precariously to a halt".
Sgt Chef (3rd RO)
"Commenting on a couple who both have volatile temperaments, the husband
with one view, the wife with another. I fear that the one whose aim with the
saucepan is the better may win the argument.
SAC Supplr (3rd RO)
"A painfully quiet and withdrawn individual who would need a pedestal to
stand out in a crowd. I fear he is destined to remain a drone".
SAC TCO (2nd RO)
"though it is unlikely he will ever become a 'hare', SAC ****** is
nevertheless a steady and faithful tortoise".
WO A Tech P (3rd RO)
"WO ****** is magic. He has the wisdom and experience of his years, the
energy of a 20 year old, and the subtlety of a flying house brick".
Cpl MT Tech (2nd RO)
"Cpl ****** may only be 20 years old but he is in effect a middle-aged
Cpl Gen Tech GSE (3rd RO)
"Cpl ****** is awkward to talk to, and on occasions trying to get
information out of him is like trying to get dead flies off a windscreen".
Cpl(W) AATC (2nd RO)
"When she arrived it was feared in some quarters that one so petite might
have some difficulty in dealing with the hulking young men she was asked to
supervise. She floats like a butterfly but can sting like a bee - in the
nicest possible way".
Cpl A Tech P (3rd RO)
"I only met Cpl ****** once before his accident and it is difficult to
assess someone in hospital, particularly when he is in an oxygen tent".
PP's Fridge !
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost a child while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.
Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.
Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.
Lincoln was shot at the theatre named 'Kennedy.'
Kennedy was shot in a car called 'Lincoln.'
Booth ran from the theatre and was caught in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theatre.
Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.
And here's the kicker:
A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Monroe, Marilyn.
Join PP in Luxembourg and receive one of these luxury Misys company cars....
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
Nope, no more booze for me
Sorry, but you're not really my type
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight
Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing
Have you flown these airlines then ?
10 Things You Didn't Want To Know
1. During an hours swimming at a municipal pool you will ingest 1/12 litres of urine.
2. In an average day your hands will have come into indirect contact
with 15 penises (touching door handles etc.)
3. An average persons yearly fast food intake will contain 12 pubic hairs.
4. In a year you will have swallowed 14 insects - while you slept!
5. Annually you will shake hands with 11 women who have recently
masturbated and failed to wash their hands.
6. Annually you will shake hands with 6 men who have recently
masturbated and failed to wash their hands.
7. In a lifetime 22 workmen will have examined the contents of your dirty linen basket.
8. At an average wedding reception you have a 1/100 chance of getting a
cold sore from one of the guests.
9. Daily you will breath in 1 litre of other peoples' anal gases.
10. Sharing a bag of crisps with a friend gives you a 10% chance of
ingesting a small amount of their faeces.
( Rich Hopkins )
WHY AMERICANS SHOULD NEVER BE LET OUT THE COUNTRY
(Actual comments from US travel agents):
I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't get messed
up by being near the window.
A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all
the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then
take the train to Hawaii?"
I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain
the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted
me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts."
Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is
in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa."
Her response ...click.
A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked
what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an
ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is
in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the
map and Florida is a very thin state."
I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from
Canada?" I said, "No." He said, "But they look so close on the map."
Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled
up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I
asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big
airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."
A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her
flight from Detroit left at 8:20 a.m. and got into Chicago at 8:33 a.m. I
tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could
not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the Plane went
very fast, and she bought that!
A woman called and asked, 'Do airlines put your physical description on your
bag so they know whose luggage belongs to who?' I said, 'No, why do you
ask?' She replied, 'Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag
on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight. Is there any connection?'
After putting her on hold for a minute while I looked into it (I was
actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is
FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
I just got off the phone with a man who asked, 'How do I know which plane to
get on?' I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, 'I was told
my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them.'
A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola on one of those
computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter
plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."
A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in
order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I
reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times
and never had to have one of those." I double-checked and sure enough, his
stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to
China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."
A woman called to make reservations; "I want to go from Chicago to
Hippopotamus, New York." The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the
agent said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights
do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came
back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the
country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh
don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent
scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean
Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"
( PP )
Did you know?
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
A shrimp's heart is in its head.
In a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period of 80 years, no one
reported a single case where an ostrich buried its head in the sand.
It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.
A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a
Horses can't vomit.
The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest
tongue twister in the English language.
If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib.
If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your
head or neck and die.
Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over a
Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your
ear by 700 times.
If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title14,
Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July 16,
1969; make it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact with
extraterrestrials or their vehicles?
In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by people sitting on
them and photocopying their butts.
Most lipstick contains fish scales.
Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
snail can sleep for three years.
Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child
reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.
February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full
If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line
would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears
never stop growing.
Shakespeare invented the words 'assassination' and 'bump'
"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand,
"lollipop" with your right.
>The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel
that it burns.
The names of all the continents end with the same letter that they start
The words 'racecar' and 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they
are read left to right or right to left. (palindromes)
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only
on one row of the keyboard.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an
average of 6 months waiting at a red light.
The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely
Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks;
otherwise it will digest itself.
There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables.
There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in
order: "abstemious" and "facetious."
There is a word in the English language with only one vowel, which
occurs five times: "indivisibility."
Did you know that crocodiles never outgrow the pool in which they live?
A group of geese on the ground is a gaggle; a group of geese in the air
is a skein.
A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every
letter of the alphabet.
The only 15-letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter
Over 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.
This is the Male Creed:
1. Thou shall not rent the movie Chocolat.
2. Under no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella.
3. Any man who brings a camera to a stag party may be legally killed and
eaten by his fellow partygoers
4. When you are queried by a mate's wife, girlfriend, mother, father,
priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should
not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You
are permitted to deny his very existence.
5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a
friend out of jail within 12 hours.
6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without
recrimination; (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable
exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent)
7. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is
8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy
running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes
for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.
9. Complaining about the brand of free beer in a pals
forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.
10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for
another man. In
fact, even remembering a friends birthday is strictly optional and slightly
11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe your
mate is trying
to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your
good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to
speak of it, even at your stag party
12. Before dating a mates ex, you are required to ask his
he, in return is required to grant it.
13. Women who claim they "love to watch sport" must
be treated as spies
until they demonstrate knowledge of the game.
14. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem- you didn't see nothin'
15. The universal compensation for mates who help you move is
16. A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.
17. Your girlfriend must bond with your mates girlfriends
within 30 minutes
of meeting them. You are not required to be nice with her girlie friends.
18. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event,
you may always
ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
19. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her
up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to
warn your pal, and give him time prepare excuses about joining the
20. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only
sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless
supermodel...and it's free.
21. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
22. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman
sober enough to fight.
23. If a mate is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to
fight, you must
jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions
have caused you to think, "What this bloke needs is a good kicking", then
you may sit back and enjoy.
24. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting:
a. "Yeah, baby, push it!"
b. "C'mon, give me one more! Harder!"
c. "Another set and we can hit the showers."
d. " Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?"
25. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza,
but not both. That's just plain mean.
26. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be
referring to his
27. Never join your girlfriend/wife in knocking a pal, except
withholding sex pending your response.
28. Never talk to a man in the toilet unless you're on equal footing:
either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a
nod is all the conversation you need
29. If your pal is already singing along to a song in the car,
you may not
join him...too gay.
( PP )
Never let it be said that ground crews
and maintenance workers lack a sense of humor.
Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems,
known as "squawks," submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance workers.
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
P = The problem logged by the pilot.
S = The solution and corrective action.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lacknormal seepage.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
Isn't making a
smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing
section in a swimming pool?
OK.. so if the
Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the
Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what does that make
the Tennessee Titans?
If 4 out of 5 people
SUFFER from diarrhea..... does that mean that
one enjoys it?
There are three
1. Jews do not
recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2. Protestants do not
recognize the Pope as the leader of the
3. Baptists do not
recognize each other in the liquor store or at
If people from Poland
are called Poles, why aren't people from
Holland called Holes?
If love is blind, why
is lingerie so popular?
Why is the man who
invests all your money called a broker?
Why do croutons come
in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale
bread to begin with?
Why is a person who
plays the piano called a pianist but a person
who drives a race car not called a racist?
If Fed Ex and UPS
were to merge, would they call it FED UP?
What hair color do
they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
I thought about how
mothers feed their babies with tiny little
spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
If it's true that we
are here to help others, then what exactly are
the others here for?
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
( PP )
The following concerns a question in a physics degree exam at the University
of Copenhagen: "Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper with a
One student replied: "You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the
barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the
ground. The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will equal
the height of the building." This highly original answer so incensed the
examiner that the student was failed immediately.
The student appealed on the grounds that his answer was indisputably
correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter to decide the
case. The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct, but did not
display any noticeable knowledge of physics. To resolve the problem it was
decided to call the student in and allow him six minutes in which to provide
a verbal answer which showed at least a minimal familiarity with the basic
principles of physics.
For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased in thought.
The arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which the student
replied that he had several extremely relevant answers, but couldn't make up
his mind which to use. On being advised to hurry up the student replied as
"Firstly, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the skyscraper,
drop it over the edge, and measure the time it takes to reach the ground.
The height of the building can then be worked out from the formula H=0.5g x
t squared. But bad luck on the barometer.
Or if the sun is shining you could measure the height of the barometer, then
set it on end and measure the length of its shadow. Then you measure the
length of the skyscraper's shadow, and thereafter it is a simple matter of
proportional arithmetic to work out the height of the skyscraper.
But if you wanted to be highly scientific about it, you could tie a short
piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum, first at
ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper. The height is worked
out by the difference in the gravitational restoring force T = 2 x pi x
Or if the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would be easier
to walk up it and mark off the height of the skyscraper in barometer
lengths, then add them up.
If you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it, of course, you
could use the barometer to measure the air pressure on the roof of the
skyscraper and on the ground, and convert the difference in millibars into
feet to give the height of the building.
But since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of mind
and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the best way would be to knock on
the janitor's door and say to him 'If you would like a nice new barometer, I
will give you this one if you tell me the height of this skyscraper'."
The student was Niels Bohr, the only Dane to win the Nobel prize for
Odd Facts for the site...
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time television were
Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
Coca-Cola was originally green.
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.
The Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters.
Men can read smaller print than women, but women can hear better.
The City with the most Rolls Royce's per capita: Hong Kong
State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%
Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
Cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
Average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000.
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
The youngest pope was 11 years old.
First novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history.
Spades - King David
Clubs - Alexander the Great
Hearts - Charlemagne
Diamonds - Julius Caesar
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the
air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air,
the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has
all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John
Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the
last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
The term "the whole 9 yards" came from W.W.II fighter pilots in the South
Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50 caliber machine
gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into the
fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got "the whole
Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks
like it's kissing the conveyor belt.
The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated
that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the "General
Purpose" vehicle, G.P.
The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon
of diesel that it burns.
No NFL team which plays its home games in a domed stadium has ever won a
The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports
games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major
League all-stars Game.
The nursery rhyme Ring Around the Rosey is a rhyme about the plague.
Infected people with the plague would get red circular sores ("Ring around
the Rosey..."), these sores would smell very badly so common folks would put
flowers on their bodies somewhere (inconspicuously), so that it would cover
the smell of the sores ("...a pocket full of posies..."). People who died
from the plague would be burned so as to reduce the possible spread of the
disease ("...ashes, ashes, we all fall down!").
Q. What occurs more often in December than any other month?
Q. What separates "60 Minutes," on CBS from every other TV show?
A. No theme song.
Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace.
Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you
would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand
Q. What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser
printers all have in common?
A. All invented by women.
Q. This is the only food that doesn't spoil.
Q. There are more collect calls on this day than any other day of the year?
A. Father's Day
Q. What trivia fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is the most
A. He was allergic to carrots.
Q. An activity of 40% of all people at a party?
A. Snoop in your medicine cabinet.
Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change
things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a
list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of that year's
incoming college graduates .
Here is this year's list:
The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in
1980. They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era and probably
did not know he had ever been shot.
They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged. Black Monday
1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression.
In their experience:
There has been only one Pope.
They were 11 when the Soviet Union broke apart and do not remember the Cold
They have never feared a nuclear war.
They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
Tianamen Square means nothing to them.
Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums. The expression "you sound like a
broken record" means nothing to them.
They have never owned a record player.
They have likely never played Pac Man and have never heard of Pong.
They may have never heard of an 8 track.
The Compact Disc was introduced when they were 1 year old.
As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 32 cents.
They have always had an answering machine.
Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have they seen a
They have always had cable.
There has always been VCR's, but they have no idea what BETA is.
They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
They were born the year that Walkmen were introduced by Sony.
Roller-skating has always meant inline for them.
Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.
Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
They have never seen Larry Bird play.
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as WWI, WWII and the Civil
They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran.
They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
They never heard: "Where's the beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel," or "de
plane, de plane!"
They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. is.
The Titanic was found? They thought we always knew where it was.
Michael Jackson has always been white.
Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are places, not groups.
McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.
There has always been MTV.
They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.
1. Why is the
third hand on the watch called the second hand?
2. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
3. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
4. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
5. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
6. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
7. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
8. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already
9. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
10. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
11. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
12. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
13. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
14. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
15. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
16. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
17. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
18. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you
know the batteries are dead?
19. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
20. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
21. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
22. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
23. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one
weird sex laws
1. In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals
must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by
death. (Like THAT makes sense.)
2. In Bahrain, a male
doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited
from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only
see their reflection in a mirror. (Makes you hope you never need surgery!)
3. Muslims are banned
from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to
undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or
piece of wood at all times. (A brick??)
4. The penalty for
masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Whoa!)
5. There are men in Guam
whose full time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young
virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time...Reason: under Guam law,
it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a minute; is there any job
anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
6. In Hong Kong, a
betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do
with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
7. Topless saleswomen are
legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores. (But of course!)
8. In Cali, Colombia, a
woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her
mother must be in the room to witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought.)
9. In Santa Cruz,
Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at
time. (This was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
10. In Maryland, it is
illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics
be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on
the premises." (Is this a great country or what? ...Not as great as Guam, though!!)
Cheers...See you in Indonesia............NOT !!
following from Ian Hovey ...
The Apprentice Song
(Sung to the tune of ‘The Boxer’ by Simon & Garfunkel)
I am just an apprentice and *propulsion is my trade
I have squandered all me money, on NAAFI wagons, cigarettes and porny books
All I can say is the corporal likes who he wants to like
And charges all us ‘Rooks’ – with a 252
Well I left me ‘ome and me family
And me hair was rather long, but the Barber soon took that lot off
With his scissors and his comb and electric razor
I could have cried when I looked out and I saw the sight – me hair was all around
It was gawn – and it was lying on the ground
Lie la Lie etc……….
Well we get up every morning at exactly half past six (eh?)
And it’s straight across to breakfast – and back again to room jobs And then off to work
Marching down, with those Di’s shouting at us “Get those arms up shoulder high”
We’re marching by - nearly reach up for the sky (sic!)
Lie la Lie etc..
Well Friday is our Bullnight and it’s driving me insane
All the dusting, sweeping, cleaning – and polishing those brasses in the WC
And then it’s time, that the Officer comes and niggles us about the shit he sees We’re on our knees -
Oh I wish that he was blind………
Lie la Lie etc…………………….
* a Rigger/Gen Leckie (as applicable)
Ode to Flt Lt Chew
(Comet & Jaguar Flight)
I'm mad about Chew, mad about Chew
I'm mad about Chew, mad about Chew
The European Commission has just announced in 2002
an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the
rather than German which was the other possibility. As
part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that
English spelling needed improvement and has accepted a 5 year
plan that would
produce a new language known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".
Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard
"c" will be dropped in favour of the"k". This should klear up konfusion
and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when
the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f".
This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be
ekspekted to reach a stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have
always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language
disgraseful, and they should go away. By the fourth year, peopl wil be
steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz
"o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of
be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no
mor trubl or difikultis and evrevun vil find it ezi to understand ech
Ze drem vil finali kum tru!
And zen ve vil tak over ze world!
The following from Luxembourg thanks to PP
Spelling, Chequer Nose Best
I have a spelling chequer
It came with my pee see
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss takes I cannot sea
Iv run this poem threw it
I'm shore yaw pleased to no
Its letter perfect in its weigh
My chequer told me sew
Witch demonstrates that ewe cannot
always auto mate every thing and that wee
rely on those language skills we were tort
at school to proof reed yore mess ages
Wishful thinking for DOS.
C:\> Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner
Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..
Why doesn't DOS ever say EXCELLENT command or filename!
Each question below contains the initials of words that will make it
correct. Find the missing words.
Example: 16 = O in a P - Answer - Sixteen ounces in a pound
1. 26 = L of the A
2. 7 = W of the A W
3. 1001 = A N
4. 12 = S of the Z
5. 54 = C in a D (with the J)
6. 9 = P in the S S
7. 88 = P K
8. 13 = S on the A F
9. 32 D F at which W F
10. 18 = H on a G C
11. 90 = D in a R A
12. 200 = D for P G in M
13. 8 = S on a S S
14. 3 = B M (S H T R)
15. 4 = Q in a G
16. 24 = H in a D
17. 1 = W on a U
18. 4 = D on a P C
19. 57 = H V
20. 11 = P in a C T
21. 1000 = W that a P is W
22. 29 = D in F in a L Y
23. 64 = S on a C B
24. 40 = D and N of the G F
IRISH MEDICAL DICTIONARY
ARTERY - - - - - - - - - The Study of Paintings
BACTERIA - - - - - - - Back Door of a Cafeteria
BARIUM - - - What Doctors Do When Patients Die
BOWEL - - - - - A Letter Like A. E. I. 0 or U.
CAESARIAN SECTION - - - A Neighbourhood in Rome
CAT SCAN - - - - - - - - - Searching for Kitty
CAUTERISE - - --- - - Made Eye-Contact With Her
COMA - - - - - - - - - - - - A Punctuation Mark
D & C - - - - - - - - - - - Where Washington Is
DILATE - - - - - - - - - - - - - To Live Longer
ENEMA - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Not A Friend
FESTER - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Quicker
FIBULA - - - - - - - - - - - - - - A Small Lie
GENITAL - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Not A Jew
G. I. SERIES - - - - - - - - A Soldier Ballgame
HANGNAIL - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Coat Hook
IMPOTENT - - - - - - Distinguished, Well-Known
LABOUR PAIN - - - - - - - Getting Hurt At Work
MEDICAL STAFF - - - - - - - - - - Doctors Cane
MORBID - - - - - - - - --- - - - A Higher Offer
NITRATES - - - - - - - - Cheaper Than Day Rates
NODE - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Was Aware Of
OUTPATIENT - - - - - - A Person Who Has Fainted
PAP SMEAR - - - - - - - - - - A Fatherhood Test
PELVIS - - - - - - - - - - - A Cousin To Elvis
RECOVERY ROOM - - - - - Place To Do Upholstery
RECTUM - - - - - - - - - Bloody Near Killed Them
SECRETION - - - - - - - - - - Hiding Something
SEIZURE - - - - - - - - - - - - - Roman Emperor
TABLET - - - - - - - - - - - - - A Small Table
TERMINAL ILLNESS - - Getting Sick At The Airport
TUMOUR - - - - - - - - - - - - - More Than One
URINE - - - - - - - - - Opposite Of Youre Out
VARICOSE - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Nearby
VEIN - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Conceited